-->

Crazy Jokes

Snow

AUG 12 Moved to our new home in upstate New York. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow on them. I love it here. OCT 14 Upstate New York is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most wonderful animal on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here. NOV 11 Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here. DEC 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snow plow came by, we had to shovel again. What a beautiful place. I love upstate New York. DEC 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here! DEC 19 More snow last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snow plow. DEC 22 More of that white shit fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow plow hides around the curve and waits until I’m done shoveling the driveway. Asshole! DEC 25 Merry Fucking Christmas! More friggin snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives that snow plow, I swear I’ll kill the bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice. DEC 27 More white shit last night. Been inside for 3 days except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plow goes through every time. Can’t go anywhere, car’s stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10″ of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10″ is? DEC 28 The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34″ of that white shit this time. At this rate it won’t melt before next summer. The snow plow got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all the shit he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his fucking head. JAN 4 Finally out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November. MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from that fucking salt they put all over the road. MAY 10 Moved to Georgia. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would want to live in that God-forsaken state of New York.

Three Travellers

Three travellers, an American, a Russian and an African, were all on a world tour in a hot air balloon. The Russian man puts his hand over the side and feels into the clouds. “Aaah!” he said, “We’re right over my homeland.” “How can you tell?” asked the American. “I can feel the cold air” he replied. A few days later the African man put his hand over the side into the clouds. “Aaah, we’re right over my homeland” he said. “How do you know that?” asked the Russian. “I can feel the heat of the Desert.” Several more days later the American put his hand over the side into the clouds. “Aaah, we’re right over New York.” The Russian and African were amazed. “How did you know all of that?” They exclaimed. The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see. “My watch is missing.”

Creation Of Canada

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said “today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty, it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautifully sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, rivers stocked with salmon” God continued “I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth” “But Lord” asked Gabriel “don’t you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?” “Not really” replied God “just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them.”

List of English Mis-Translations

In a Tokyo Hotel: “Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.” In a Bucharest hotel lobby: “The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.” In a Leipzig elevator: “Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.” In a Belgrade hotel elevator: “To more the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.” In a Paris hotel elevator: “Please leave your values at the front desk.” In a hotel in Athens: “Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.” In a Yugoslavian hotel: “The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the fob of the chambermaid.” In a Japanese hotel: “You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.” In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: “You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.” In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: “Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.” On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: “Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.” On the menu of a Polish hotel: “Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.” Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: “Ladies may have a fit upstairs.” In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s: “Drop your trousers here for best results.” Outside a Paris dress shop: “Dresses for street walking.” In a Rhodes tailor shop: “Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.” Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: “There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.” A sign posted in Germany’s Black forest: “It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.” In a Zurich hotel: “Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.” In and advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: “Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.” In a Rome laundry: “Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.” In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: “Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages.” Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: “Would you like to ride on your own ass?” In a Bangkok temple: “It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.” In a Tokyo bar: “Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.” In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: “We take your bags and send them in all directions.” In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: “ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.” In a Budapest zoo: “Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.” In the office of a Roman doctor: “Specialist in women and other diseases.” In an Acapulco hotel: “The manager has personally passed all the water served here.” In a Tokyo shop: “Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.” From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: “Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.” From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: “When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.” Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: “- English well talking.” “- Here speeching

Texas Heat

You know that you are in Texas when: The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. Hot water now comes out of both taps. You can make instant sun tea. You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron. The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a bit chilly. You discover that in July it takes only two fingers to drive your car. You discover that you can get sunburn through your car window. You actually burn your hand opening the car door. You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 am before work. No one would dream of not having air conditioning. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is: ‘What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?’ You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt, and pepper. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hardboiled eggs. Cows are giving evaporated milk. The trees are whistlin’ for the dogs. A sad Texan prayed once: ‘I wish it would rain – not so much for me, cuz I’ve seen it, but for my 7-year-old.’

A Texan Farmer in Australia

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.” Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.” The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those?” The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”

The Candadian, American & Frenchie

One day 3 men were walking across this bridge; an American, a Canadian, and a Frenchie. When they got to the middle of the bridge, the Frenchie stopped, pulled a bottle of wine out of his pack, and threw it over the bridge. The Canadian & the American both yelled out “What the hell did you do that for?” The Frenchie just shrugged and said “We’ve got too much of that in our country” The American, catching the Frencies drift, pulled out a pack of ciggaretes and threw them over the bridge. The Canadian and the Frenchie both yelled out, “What the hell did you do that for?” The american shrugged and said “We have too many of those in our country” Now, the Canadian thought for a long time, and finnaly, he picked up the Frenchie and threw him into the water. The American looked at him in dis belief and said “Why in gods name did you do that?” and the Canadian replied, “We’ve got too many of those in our country.”

Your Mama is Like A(n)..

Your Mama is Like A(n)… …Hardware store, 5 cents a screw. …Ice Cream Cone, everyone gets a lick. …Tube of Pringles, once you pop, you can’t stop. …vacuum cleaner, she sucks, blows, and then gets laid in the closet. …Shotgun, two cocks and she’s loaded. …Railroad Track, she gets laid all over the country. …Door Knob, evryone gets a turn. …Christmas Tree, everyone hangs balls on her. …Lettuce, 25 cents a head. …Tricycle, she’s easy to ride. …McDonalds, over 5 million served world wide. …Carpender’s dream, flat as a board and east to nail. …Fan, she’s always blowing someone. …5 Foot Basketball hoop, it ain’t that hard to score. …Turtle, once she’s on her back she’s fucked. …Birthday Cake, everyone gets a piece. …Squirrel, she’s always got some nuts in he mouth. …Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, there’s no wrong way to eat her. …Bag of Potato Chips, ” Free-To-Lay ” …the Sun, look at her to long and you’ll go blind. …Bowling Ball, she gets picked up, fingered, thrown down the gutter, and she still comes back for more.